Procrastination In Progress

I saw you today.

I saw you, and I didn’t think it would affect me like it did. You came in, saw me, and changed direction. Didn’t look at me once. I could tell you were hurting. I could tell I’d caught you by surprise. 

I knew it would take time to heal. Your pain wouldn’t just go away. But you actually spoke to me last time I saw you, and I thought it was starting to be okay. Now a friend says it’s rocky, that you’re good when you’re busy…you’re good when you’re busy. 

I didn’t think that I would ache again tonight. I could feel the cold emptiness grab and constrict my chest. The tears welled up and I nearly had to leave. So close…but so far, and far too little, much too late. 

I want you to know I tried. I denied the fading feelings, lied and said it was distance, which it was, but it was distance of the soul. My head had lost interest and forgotten to tell my heart - or my heart had frozen and didn’t think to tell my head. I didn’t want to hurt you, but to keep you in that state would have scarred you more deeply than any “no” ever could. Even still, I managed to scar you, wound you, leave you bleeding and walk away knowing that my help would be no help at all.

Give you time, give you time, I’m trying to give you time, but I keep forgetting how long it took me to heal to talk to you the first time around.

You were my best friend, the one who knew me through and through and loved me just the same.

And now we sit…opposite ends of the same pew, not speaking. What have I done?  

Ask my friends: I’ve been dissatisfied with the Americanized “church” for awhile. Something is missing, and it’s something I’m searching for with a prayerful passion. I’ve been reading, I’ve been praying - praying hard, and then being Still. I’ve also read a few books during this time of Stillness: Velvet Elvis, Forgotten God, and I’m re-reading (in attempt to finish) Crazy Love. Several things stick out to me in each of these books, and I’ll sit there with goosebumps going “This.” I know that when I finally solidify myself, finally get answers or get peace at not knowing, I don’t want to be silent. 

“As for me, I am tired of talking about what we are going to do. I am sick of talking about helping people, of brainstorming and conferencing about ways we can be radical and make sacrifices. I don’t want to merely talk anymore. Life is too short. I don’t want to speak about Jesus; I want to know Jesus. I want to be Jesus to people. I don’t want just to write about the Holy Spirit; I want to experience His presence in my life in a profound way.”

“We are scared to make mistakes, so we fret over figuring out God’s will. It’s easier to commit to following Him someday instead of this day.”

“My hope and prayer for you, the reader, is that church people don’t try to normalize you. What I mean is that we often try to calm people down who are just too passionate or too sacrificial and radical.” 

~ Francis Chan, Forgotten God

Pray with me, dear friends.

There they went. 

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